Good start with a general overview. Good that it got very specific very quickly.
2. Starting with Hobbes was good (Philosophical framework).
3. Narrowed focus – Good.
4. Paragraph 14 (Starting with “Many westerners live on credit extended…”): Yes! Credit cards allow us to live beyond our means.
5. Paragraph 16 and 17 (Starting with “Despite western governments espousing….” and “Despite President Obama pushing for strong…”): Good point, concept. Paragraph 16 and 17 support each other.
Needs To Be Addressed.
1. Devil’s advocate – What relevance does this have to my reader? Why is it significant in terms of our experience? Don’t want a Philosophical paper. If get too Philosophical, bring it back.
2. Spell out USA, NSA and American citizens when using it the first time, and then it can be abbreviated (Paragraph 13, starting with “In the USA, the Department of Homeland Security has…”).
3. Combine (no break) paragraph 8 and 9 (Ending with “freedom to practice religion, right to privacy and security.” and starting with “However, emerging scandals have shown…”).
4. Paragraph 12, 13 and 14 (Starting with “Creative destruction, a process…”, “The learning institutions that offer such…” and “Many westerners live on credit extended…”): Too general (Combine maybe?). General Philosophical point, but giving concrete examples.
5. Paragraph 14 (Starting with “Many westerners live on credit extended…”): “wealthy class” (Corporations?).
6. In regards to making the argument about credit card companies and debit (Paragraph 14 and 15, starting with “Many westerners live on credit extended…” and “At the end of the day, a high percentage of…”): Talk about privileged later (Perhaps combine?). Class system takes away freedom (Perhaps briefly touch on that?). Also, people have a choice to get credit cards and use them (in terms of credit debt) – touch on that (anticipate the counter-arguments and give a response).
7. Paragraph 19 (Starting with “Western governments curtail true freedoms…”): Look at previous page for example. So much info already. Not gaining much more. Reconsider, might not be necessary.
8. Paragraph 20 and 21 (Starting with “Free trade and globalization…” and “Profiling based on various factors…”): Topic – Why is it suddenly being discussed? Introduce point/concept/relevance. A bit jumpy. Connect ideas to a focal point (Analyze). For example, there are many ways nations maintain control and in doing so, freedoms are taken away – e.g. profiling.
9. Paragraph 23 and 24 (Starting with “Western states are curtailing religious freedoms…” and “Such claims provide justification for the implementation of….”): One paragraph (Combine).
10. Paragraph 25 and 26 (Starting with “The curriculum taught in schools promotes….” and “By promoting an individual’s right to consent…”): Same problem. Better transitions and how it relates to the topic. Look at previous notes.
11. Paragraph 25 (Starting with “The curriculum taught in schools promotes….”): The comment “i.e. Communism bad, Western medicines good” was made after the sentence “From an early age, students are conditioned…”.
12. Between paragraph 26 and 27 (Starting with “By promoting an individual’s right to consent…” and “Ibn Warrq (2011) argues that…”): “Arguments against” (Delete subtitle?).
13. Paragraph 28 (Starting with “From a utilitarian perspective, western states are…”): Good point! Took a long time to say this. More hinting at that throughout.
14. Paragraph 30 and 31 (Starting with “In conclusion, despite the west…” and “This subservience perpetrates a dependent relationship…”): Combine paragraph,
15. Paragraph 31 (Starting with “This subservience perpetrates a dependent relationship…”): Some positives to that I think. If you have nothing to hide, why worry? (Provide an argument to the counter-argument). Also, “…it considers a national threat” is underlined with the comment “Not everyone, mostly Middle Easterners”.
16. Jumping from one idea to another a bit (e.g. p. 6, Gun control – NRA).
17. Better few less examples; more tying it ideas (But all sources must be used in the paper).
18. When using sources indirectly such as summaries, make sure that the readers understand that (Make sure to distinguish your voice from the research). Also, pay careful attention to citation.